Le Franco Phoney

Each year, La Clusaz puts on a free ski/snowboard movie. For the past few seasons, we’ve had Candide Thovex movies, and they’ve been great. Last year, despite waiting outside for more than an hour, the cinema finally let us in to take our seats, then made us wait at least another half an hour while—it was rumoured—Candide himself finished off the final editing of the movie. However, it was worth the wait. The movie was motivational, inspiring, interesting, and funny.

Travis Rice, please watch some of Candide’s stuff or movies like Steep. Your film was this year’s freebie, and I’m glad it was free. Despite the great reviews, Trav, your movie was a complete cliché of everything used in 1990s snowsports movies: an old car that gets wrecked (this one in particular featuring a Burton logo on the bonnet and a stick figure peeing on the logo); a ‘comedy scene’ (talking marks needed because it wasn’t funny) involving lumberjacks; lots of time-delay sequences of the sun, the moon, the clouds, an airport etc.; at least four snowboard throws (“look at me: I’m sponsored so I can just chuck my equipment where I want and if it breaks I’ll get new stuff”); stereotyping of each country visited (is talking pretend Japanese to a Japanese cameraman really funny or worthy of being in a film?); and let’s not forget the cheesy quotes, including; “Don’t judge a book by its cover”, and the eye-roll-inducing; “Snowboarding isn’t just a sport: it’s a way of life” right at the end.

Yes, the photography was very special and of that you should be very proud. I now know what some sort of mountain goat looks like in New Zealand. However, I wanted to see snowboarding and not nature. So let’s talk about that. If I’ve seen you jumping over a tree once or twice, I don’t need to see it a further five or so times straight after. I get it: you can jump a tree. I was impressed the first time, but I was bored by the last time. This also goes for your jumps: I’ve seen you do multiple somersaults in the air once, twice, ten times, no maybe thirty times now. Really, I don’t need to see that trick again just because the country has changed. Don’t get me wrong: I’m sure you’re very talented, but this really was the Travis Rice show. Despite luring in such amazing riders as Terje Håkonsen and Jeremy Jones, they barely got their faces on camera (except when Jeremy’s was covered in blood). When Jeremy and the other riders spoke, I felt motivated to take my board out and attack a mountain of white stuff. When you spoke, I felt like telling you to stop. They sounded professional. You did not.

Anyway, my mother always told me that if I don’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all, so I’m sorry for all of the above. Let me make amends by reassuring you that I was impressed with the way you can ride on the tail of your board in powder and flick around to ride switch, and I’m sure you can do some other amazing things. Also, my friend enjoyed the movie and embraced the cheesiness as everything that a snowboard movie should be. But why not try to break those boundaries instead of reinforcing them? I’m left with the question: “That’s it? That’s all?” An appropriate title, with or without the question marks.