Learning first aid in French

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<Photo of Anne, the French CPR doll'>Meet Anne. She’s a very important mannequin: she saves lives. Anne was given to me at a short first aid course here in St Jean de Sixt after a friend talked me into going. As always, I was apprehensive about making some big faux pas in French and looking like a complete idiot.

The start of the course about heart attacks involved croissants, pains aux chocolate, juice and black coffee (hey, this isn’t a prevention course: let’s stuff our faces on fat!). This welcome should have made me less nervous, but watching the other participants walk in and greet everyone else with kisses, then a polite ‘bonjour’ for my friend and I made me wonder if we were the only two people in the room who the rest didn’t know personally.

Once seated, Anne the mannequin was given to each participant to keep. Immediately, I thought of fancy dress themes that I could use an extra head for and my nerves subsided. Anne comes with a fake mobile phone, a fake defibrillator, and a DVD of the course. She’s also boxed up with extra internal balloons in case of blow-outs. Anne’s face is modelled on a dead woman found in the Seine in the early 1900s. A suspected suicide, the body was never identified, and the authorities made a mask of her because of her striking beauty. Since then, romantic stories have been written about her, and, apparently, a first aid mannequin, which is slightly less romantic.

Three firemen (‘les pompiers‘) took the training course and were patient with all our questions, extending the course by fifteen minutes to cover everything. I was relieved when half the class was confused by which number to dial in an emergency in France. For the record, you can dial 15, 18 or 112 (15 and 18 are old French numbers and 112 is the European-wide number). All three go to the same switchboard. Being close to the border of Switzerland, we also learnt that the Swiss number is 118 (because Switzerland isn’t part of the European Union, so they have their own number).

With a serious voice, one fireman emphasised the need to respect the patient’s privacy and to prevent a crowd of people hovering around. When someone asked him how high up the chest to perform CPR, he said to look for the nipples and stay in line with them. “Unless they’re grandma boobs,” he said. “Then aim higher up.”

The 1.5-hour first aid course cost €12 (subsidised €10 by local authorities) and was well worth the pre-course nerves. If you live in France, check with your local council as these courses are running nationwide.

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And then suddenly, France seems logical!

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<Photo of hire car parking in Sardinia'>France, I’m sorry. I’ve made light of you many too times and questioned why you do things in what seems to be the strangest of ways. I take it all back after visiting the Italian island of Sardinia. Looking for late summer sun, I took a road trip around the island. The first sign of oddness was the car hire man, who upgraded me from a Fiat 500 to — wait for it — a Fiat 500. Maybe the upgrade was the dusty finish, or the unnecessary bumper parking in the half-empty parking lot. Thankfully, the car exceeded its ‘Fix It Again Tomorrow’ label and I whizzed around without any mechanical hitches.

<Photo of an Australian flag hanging upside down in Europe'>On the southern coast, I spotted this Australian flag. Did someone have too much limoncello? I mean, it’s not like the flag consists of, say, three stripes that might be easy to hang upside down: there’s a union jack and the Southern Cross star constellation to guide you to the right way to hang it. What happened, Sardinia?

<Photo of fish in Sardinia being fed spaghetti'>On an island that makes mochas without milk and feeds pasta even to the fish (our skipper pointed out “They’re Italian fish: of course they eat pasta”), I wonder where Sardinians go when they feel like something other than pizza and pasta. Yes, that’s a photo of a frenzied fish attack on tomato, olive and prawn pasta. Okay, the food in Sardinia is delicious, but the locals must have to travel long distances for any cuisine that isn’t Italian.

<Photos of all roads leading to Bono in Sardinia'> Meanwhile, too much partying in the days before Sardinia led to a nasty case of tonsillitis. By Arbatax, I felt so bad that I followed the signs to the hospital. After establishing “nobody” spoke English or French, I tried “tonsillitis” in English and French. She shrugged, even though the Italian word is pretty similar. In broken English, she said the hospital was for scans only. And no, she couldn’t tell me where to find a doctor. Nobody around town seemed to know either. I wonder if the people waiting for scans at the hospital wrote their own scan requests.

Even in Italy, not all roads lead to Rome. Sardinia, being an island, has a different mecca. All roads lead to Bono. Who knew he lived there?

France, I’m happy to be back.

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When ‘forbidden’ doesn’t really mean it

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<Photo of a public sign in France, saying 'Entry forbidden, with people entering>The sign in this photo translates roughly to “No public entry on work site”. Yes, on the left of the photo is a new building development. On the right is a picturesque view of the village of Les Plombieres les Bains in Les Vosges. Two members of the public are visible, and another four were standing in the unfinished building.

Despite the warning sign, the four people in the building were looking at plans for its completion. Normally, if you didn’t want people poking around your building site, you wouldn’t put up plans. You might even fence off the area.

But this is France, where the word “interdit“, which literally means “forbidden”, realistically means “just don’t break anything on your way through”.

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Vegie burgers hit La Clusaz!

France is many great things, but it is not known for its friendliness towards vegetarians. As a non-meat eater, I’ve been offered fish galore, and even chicken — “because it’s not meat”, (“Yes it is”), “No it’s not” (and so it went on).

In La Clusaz and the Aravis area, vegetarian options usually revolve around cheese, regardless of rennet content. Raclette and fondue is available for indulgent vegetarians, and goats cheese salad for those being healthy. Pizza and pasta are sometimes available, but they get boring after the first few years.

A change has been taking place in the past few years, with a vegie burger on the menu at Le Coin Gourmand in Le Grand Bornand (made with a potato patty instead of beef) and at Le Maz’ô in St Jean de Sixt (courgette and aubergine base, with a tasty home-made pesto sauce).

<Photo of a vegie burger at Le Chavinette, La Clusaz, France'>And finally, La Clusaz has given in. Although the burger isn’t yet listed on the blackboard menu, the owner of Le Chavinette told me last winter that demand was growing and he was thinking about making a vegie burger. When I walked in on the weekend, he offered up his latest creation. Pictured is the burger. He too has included a fried potato patty, but on top of that is a patty made of mixed vegetables, which he described as ratatouille. It’s actually far tastier, and with the fresh salad on top, it tastes pretty healthy for a burger.

The Brits around town affectionately call Le Chavinette ‘Chav Burger’, and now I feel guilty for joining in. If you happen to visit La Clusaz and you don’t eat meat, demand the vegie burger!

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You just don’t see this in the city

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<Photo of a calf for sale in La Clusaz, France'>Some things are a bit different here in the countryside of France. For instance, how many cities offer a calf as a prize? Here in La Clusaz, it’s a regular thing. You might remember the raffle last year, and now, if you guess the right weight of this calf, she’s yours. She’s worth €200, and if more than one person guesses the weight, the winners share the prize. I’m not quite sure how you share a calf. I guess you take a share of the money instead. Or, as a French friend suggested, meat tray time!

Hang on, hang on. Don’t get too worried just yet. For a start, this is a dairy cow, so she will enjoy eating grass for many more years yet. Also, she was on offer at the Foire de la Croix in La Clusaz last weekend, which is basically a giant cow exchange. Think stock exchange, with moos and poos.

Rows of cows wait patiently before being walked around the showing area while local farmers appraise each cow on offer. Cows are sold for lots of reasons. It helps keep the gene pool healthy, and sometimes, cows just don’t get on with their herd, so a cow exchange is a popular event in farming areas like this. Most of the people at the fair were farmers and cheese makers. The few tourists were easy to spot as the ones patting the cows. I was one of them.

It’s great to see that the cows are given names. Take Urinette, for example (see photo below). While my French friend who wanted the meat tray prize told me it’s like saying ‘urination’ in English, I looked it up and discovered it’s actually a device women can use to pee standing up (like the She Pee). Why on earth is there a cow called Urinette? Cows stand up to pee, after all, so is it something else special she does? Apart from her name, the sign above her tells us that Urinette produced 6302 litres of milk over 305 days — around 20 litres of milk a day. Well done, Urinette, and I hope you’re happy in a new field with new cow friends tonight.

<Photo of a cow called Urinette in La Clusaz'>

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Notre Dame du Haut – a designer church

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<Photo of designer church Notre Dame du Haut, in France'>

What you’re looking at is a chapel designed by Franco-Swiss designer Le Corbusier. Standing on a hill in Ronchamp, Notre Dame du Haut was finished in 1954, replacing a chapel that had been destroyed during the Second World War. The site has been religious for a very long time: the building before the destroyed chapel was a fourth-century chapel.

<Photo of interior windows at Notre Dame du Haut, in France'>The grounds have some old graves in one tiny corner of the land, and some old foundations of what was perhaps the old chapel are visible not far from the current chapel. The bells are on the outside, dangling from a metallic support further away on the same hill. The grounds are quiet and relaxing.

A large pyramid stands on the other side of the chapel — a memorial to those who lost their lives during the war, and it doubles as a high view point of the chapel. From the top of the pyramid, part of the roof (pictured on the right in the photo above) looks like the bottom of an ark.

The roof is slightly raised to allow a line of light inside the chapel. The many small windows provide a light that is far more spectacular in real life than any photo, and there are nooks within the chapel where natural light has been used in imaginative and impressive ways.

<Photo of stained glass at Notre Dame du Haut, in France'>I mistakenly went to this chapel with a designer friend. He was happy to finally see the church he had studied at design school. He was less happy when I picked on those windows. As glorious as the design is on both the exterior and the interior, there was something that let those windows down.

First of all, the primary colours reminded me of an old Studio Line advertisement.

I’m sorry! I know I’ve just offended a large population of the world by not agreeing that everything about this church is amazing. I just couldn’t help but hear that Studio Line jingle in my head when looking at these windows!

Interestingly, these windows are not stained glass: they’re hand-painted enamel. The world is also supposed to be in awe of these techniques, and I’m probably that one idiot who just doesn’t get it. I think they look like windows with cellophane on them, like you see in kindergartens. The hand-painted flowers and blobs were probably very difficult to get just right, but they just added to that kids’ painting feeling for me. Again, I’m sorry, designers (and I know one designer who might not be speaking to me after reading this!) and anyone else who is offended by my lack of appreciation.

Apart from those points, the windows are indeed impressive. They are of different thicknesses (like the close-up pictured), sizes and positioning so that the light reflects into the church in different ways. Unlike most religious monuments, the chapel and its grounds invoked in me a genuine tranquility. I hope that makes amends to all designers out there. After all, churches are supposed to be predominantly spiritual, aren’t they? Chapel win.

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Champagne bottle cap collection is a thing

<Champagne bottle cap swap advertisement in La clusaz>
This sign translates to ‘Swap meet for Champagne bottle caps’.

Yes, that’s apparently a thing.

Really? Champagne caps?

Forget stamp collecting or coin swapping; here in France, it’s all about the booze.

I’ve seen the caps at vide greniers and wondered if anyone ever buys them. Apparently, there is an interest! Who knew?

It’s apparently popular enough to warrant an advertisement on the welcome board at the entrance of La Clusaz. Yes, on the 5th of October, you too can swap all those champagne lids you’ve collected with fellow enthusiasts. I’ll see you there (no, I won’t).

 

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French ads, dubbed in French

Le Franco Phoney

French TV excels at dubbing over original-language movies in French. Why bother with subtitles when you can talk over world-class actors? But it’s not just the world-class actors who are dubbed. Take this McDonald’s advertisement. It advertises Toy Story DVDs. There is no dubbing yet, but hang in there while I explain. Here’s the ad if you want to see it, otherwise, skip over it (those receiving this in their inbox will need to click through to see the video):

The driver starts ordering her food when a kid pops his head out of the back window and starts ordering what he wants. I don’t have kids, but if I did and my kid interrupted me with his Maccas order, I’m pretty sure I’d subsequently cancel his order and eat mine in front of him to teach him a lesson.

But enough of my poor parenting skills. If the interrupting kid isn’t bad enough, McDonald’s rehashed this ad recently, but it’s no longer advertising Toy Story DVDs.

They’ve employed the same kid to dub himself.

The entire script has changed, and now the kid moves his lips with different words coming out. You can enjoy it here (or click through if you’re reading this via email):

I asked some French friends what they think and the general consensus was “bof” (a verbal shrug). Dubbing is so common in France that cheap rehashes by companies as big as McDonald’s doesn’t raise an eyebrow.

Let’s get back to that interrupting kid. It seems I’m not the only one who doesn’t like him. In the comments section of the last YouTube video, someone has commented: “Quel impoli ce gamin ! je lui mettrais 3 claques ! on ne coupe pas la parole au grand !! et cette serveuse !! de quoi je me mêle ! non mais quelle gourde ! c’est quoi se resto qui vient foutre la merde dans l’éducation de nos enfants !!!

Basically, the first part translates to: “How rude is this kid! I’d give him three slaps! We do not interrupt adults!!”, followed by insulting the waitress and then a lot of swearing.

That’s a top rant, and one I’m on board with after my own rant in English. What about you?

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Shopping bargains?

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<Photo of spring strawberries in August in France'>Do you collect stamps at supermarkets? The ones that give you a discount to some big brand name as long as you’ve spent hundreds at the supermarket offering the great deal?

I remember my mum collecting stamps for a new set of posh crockery. We shifted our old seventies brown plates and bowls to the back of the cupboard and moved into the eighties with beige, patterned crockery. It took her months to save those stamps so that she could buy the full set, and I’m pretty sure she had to spend thousands of Australian dollars at that supermarket.

Things aren’t that different here in France. There’s always some sticker on offer at most supermarkets. Pictured is the current offer for Pyrex at Carrefour. The receipt shows how many stickers the check-out chick is due to dole out to each customer. You can see that I was supposed to receive 26. How many did I get?

210.

I was given 210 stickers. That’s more than the Pyrex sticker book can even hold!

This happens every time I nod for the stickers on offer, so it makes me wonder if these deals are really fooling anyone into believing they’re getting a bargain. On one hand, I don’t have to spend all my money at Carrefour to benefit from their special offers. On the other hand, if I were to buy any of these Pyrex dishes, I’d be spending additional money at Carrefour anyway, so do they really care if the stickers are thrown en masse to all their customers?

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Ricard jugs and vide greniers

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<Photo of Ricard jugs at a vide grenier in Le Grand Bornand, France'>

Let’s start with a few statements.

1. Ricard is a popular drink in France.
2. Vide grenier sales (car boot sales or trash and treasures) are popular in France.
3. At least 10% of all stands at a vide grenier must be selling Ricard jugs.

<Photo of glass Ricard jugs also on offer at the Le Grand Bornand vide grenier, France'>I’m pretty sure #3 is the law in France.

Go to any vide grenier in France and I guarantee you will find a good variety of Ricard paraphernalia, ranging from heavy pottery jugs through to gaudy plastic ashtrays.

Ricard is an aniseed-based alcohol that’s popular in France, and it seems that every French household has nicked a jug from their local bar at some point, then realised that it looks like a nicked jug from a bar and decided to get rid of it at a vide grenier. The trouble is that everyone has the same idea.

<Photo of glass Ricard jugs also on offer at the Le Grand Bornand vide grenier, France'>Here’s the perfect example. At the end of  July, Chinaillon —a village up the road from Le Grand Bornand town centre — hosts a large vide grenier. It’s an interesting one, with original cow artwork up for offer and almost anything else you can imagine. I came away with old vinyl records, but that’s another story for another day.

Today’s story is all about Ricard ware.

These jugs, carafes and ashtrays were almost certainly freebies, yet people are trying to sell them — and for much more than the expected 50 cents. Do they ever sell? Judging by the amount I’ve seen at various vide greniers, no, they don’t.

The Ricard jug is, in fact, a gauge. Yes. They’re a form of currency exchange. Rather than show interest in the product you actually want, simply ask the  owner how much for their Ricard jug. Based on the price, you’ll get an idea of whether their prices are ridiculously high or just the standard over-inflated prices that people demand at vide greniers. Once you’ve established which stand holders are offering the best prices, you can go in for the kill on the items you want. Remember to haggle, haggle, haggle.

And when you’ve bargained your price, I dare you to ask them to bung in a Ricard jug for free.

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France Vegatarian - website for vegetarians and vegans in France

Website for vegetarians and vegans in France